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So, I started this blog for a few reasons. The first was to have a place where I could put all my brainfarts together so I could glean some inspiration for my work. The other was so that I could have whatever it is that festers inside pinned down on a screen for dissection. The other-OTHER one was, well, because the therapist lady said it might be a good idea. She gets paid to do brain stuff so I'm inclined to believe her.

As the few of you who stop by every so often can see, what goes on in my head is pretty much random crap and vulgarities involving everybody's mother, her unmentionables and, well, unmentionables in general. The emo stuff has been few and far between. Which is probably a good reflection on my life since I started this ego stroking exercise in intellectual masturbation. Not much going on in the heart department and general arsing around in the brain department.

Why am I saying all this? It's a disclaimer. Strap your knickers on. Here comes the emo.

I've been buoyed by a ridiculous sense of euphoria for the past few days. I won't say why. Because of privacy issues. But it was the sort of euphoria that makes you prance around and piss people off.

There was an ache. But it was good. Because there was a good reason for the ache. The ache itself didn't matter at all. The reason behind it, however, was fantastic. And that made me love the ache. It's kinda like a hickey. The actual thing itself is quite an ugly manifestation. A little red spot on flawless skin. But the reason why it's there in the first place is what makes you love the hickey. Get it? No? Go get yourself a hickey, then come back.

And then there was a discussion. And then there was a decision made (still not very sure what it was). And then in all the chaos, I felt as if the waiter pulled the table cloth out from under the plates right as I was about to start on the chocolate cake with my expensive silver mini-fork thing for eating cakes with. Only worse.

Before I forget, this entry IS NOT AN ACCUSATION. It's an aid for me to adjust my thoughts and man-feelings. Which are like feelings. Only manly and stuff. Because everyone knows I'm a manly man of manliness. I'll probably remove it once everything's settled down. This post, I meant. Not my manliness. That stays.

Ok. So today. Things felt odd. I was out the whole day with a friend. But I felt disconnected and distracted. I haven't been pleasant to be with. I don't like it. I missed something or someone or whatever.

I just went through my message bank. There was some communication today but it felt stilted and awkward. The messages were so vastly different that it jarred me quite a bit. The phonecalls were difficult for me. Forced. And it felt like I was stepping on eggshells the whole time.

What to do? What to do? I don't want to lose someone who's become my favourite person. That would represent sucktitude of epic proportions.

There were still calls. And messages were still sent.

I still missed you today.

And as pathetic as it sounds, I'm quite sure you missed me too.