her hump

I'm sure the whole bunch of you have heard the latest wretched single from the Black Eyed Peas.

Does anyone else feel like it's a song being sung by a lady with a hunchback and a collection of disfiguring warts all over her body. And she's wearing a skimpy top and a mini skirt and she's rubbing herself against grimacing men in a club.

Her lovely lady lumps indeed.

La Jeune mariée De Cadavre

So, like, I got to watch The Corpse Bride last night with The Lady.

I was sorely disappointed at the fact that there was no badly translated Malay subtitle for the movie's...er...title.

I mean, I was expecting something like "Si Perempuan Mahu Kahwin Yang Sudah Mati" or something like that. That would have been cool.

But nit-picky, waste-of-time comments aside, the movie was fucking BEAUTIFUL. Everything was textured and layered like a motherfucker with pretty glowy bits and butterflies and swirlies. The human figures were wonderfully stylistic.

And the MUSIC. OMG. I want the soundtrack to this movie. But only if it has the two piano pieces.

Shame about the story. 'Twas badly paced and and lacked, as The Lady put it, focus.

Lovely movie. Must buy the DVD for the pretty pictures.

grumble

I want a great big fucking bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup, a glass of cold milk and a cuddle from her right now.

I feel like SUCH a woman.

But I have needs, damnit.

yay!

So, like, I 'm in Kuching and shit.

Which is fun, because the lady who calls me her darling is here.

Now, I adore her, make no mistake about that.

But today, I might have very well fractured my ring finger courtesy of the car door when I went to meet her for lunch. Now, upon informing her of this faux pas, the lady who calls me her darling proceeds to not only NOT give sympathy and lovin' as required by the Relationship Clause, subsection 42.5b which clearly states that, well, I'm owed some pampering, she decides to laugh at me in my suffering and pain.

Which is fine, because she makes up for it with kisses and stuff.

But then, I go home and tell my mother about it. The woman who gave birth to me, she decides to laugh at me too.

Sometimes a man just can't get no love, I tells ya.

hari ini dalam sejarah

I got out of bed this morning to the sounds of my housemates arguing. Which is pretty much par for the course because the both of them are locked in this really twisted relationship.

I got out of the room to see the lady housemate crying and I asked her what had transpired between the two to produce such a tragic outcome. A lady crying is one of the few things in this world that really gets to me. The other thing is penguins. Especially when they get on their bellies and slide around.

But anyhoo, the reason for the outburst of unhappiness from her direction would be this: Apparently, the gentleman housemate (the definition of their current relationship remains nebulous) had accused me and the Lady of having an affair behind his back.

AN AFFAIR.

My flabber was ghasted.

If there were anytime in history where a dramatic rise from the couch followed by a hearty "What the fuck?!?" was ever justified, that moment would have been it.

Things to note:

1) I have a girlfriend, whom I love and adore to bits. I've gushed about her in front of them, in a manly fashion, of course. She has visited before. He has seen her. He has seen how much I love her (Hello, Baby!)

2) The two had had an epic argument a while back, which resulted in people jumping on top of other people's windshields and those people trying to drive away to a Malacca with the former people still attached to the said windshields.

I was not involved and I didn't wish to be, but I was asked played referee for the sake of harmony and I had convinced her to calm down and give him another chance to prove himself. Then after she went to her bedroom to sleep, I spent the night talking to him, telling him how to make it up to her. Advice that he agreed to and never followed. But, it isn't my life, so whatever.

My point is this: I TRIED TO HELP THEM KEEP THEIR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER.

3) Since then I've made an effort to stay out of their way so they could solve their problems without having to put up with the dude from Sarawak with the really small eyes intruding.

AND AFTER ALL THIS HE ACCUSES ME OF HAVING AND AFFAIR WITH THE LADY!!!

FOR NO COHERENT REASON!!!!

If it wasn't he wasn't such a tragic figure of a man, I'd be laughing. A true male chauvinist, his idea of "respect" to a lady is to order her around in front of visitors.

Actually I think I'll laugh anyway.

Irrational bouts of insecurity are so entertaining. ENTERTAINING TO THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!

OMG, I typed "to the Extreme". That is, like, SO nineties.

BLARGH

I can't sleep.

You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BASTARDS.

That's right. Especially you over there with the smug-ass grin on your face with your Burberry shirt and your Calvin Klein scent.

Good Lord, the scent. When was the last time you didn't smell like potpourri, you pansy-assed nancy-boy.

Aaargh. I'm too short for this shit.

Now give me all your money, you cock-monger. And be snappy about it.

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman is brilliant.

Kahani is my new hero for selling it to me. I haven't paid her yet. But I WILL!

The Keem was here for the weekend. She brought books and food. And then she brought me SUNDROP!

Sundrop is this drink that I can't seem to find in KL. It is freely available in Kuching, however. AND SHE BROUGHT ME FIVE CANS!!!

Me love you long time, Keemkeem. We will visit Wang Utama(tee hee hee) next time you are around.

Also, she bought me cookies. Muahahaha! I HAVE COOKIES!

COOKIES AND SUNDROP! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ALL SUCK BECAUSE I HAVE COOKIES AND SUNDROP!

Please, in the name of all that is beautiful in the world, let me fall asleep now.

god damnit

You know what is one of the most fucked up situations you can get yourself into?

You run into the toilet for an emergency deposit that's been waiting for a while. You get on the can and do the transaction and when you're done, the feeling of relief is palpable. So overwhelming that it's almost, but not quite, like an orgasm.

Then you reach over to the left for wipes and the god damned fucking thing is fucking out and you're sitting on the fucking can with your fucking ass covered in fucking shit water because of the splash-back and fuck me if no one is outside.

You say, "But Fishballs, you studly stud of studliness, why not go outside and get the wipes?"

Good lord, do you fucking know how it feels like to have shitty butt cheeks rub together? Take two slices of ham, slap some peanut butter on'em (chunky if you haven't been drinking water) and rub them together. That's how it feels. EXCEPT IT'S HAPPENING TO YOUR BUTTCHEEKS. And you can feel every damned squishy molecule rub together like it's a fucking party in your ass crack.

Thank the creator for shower heads, I tell you. And copious amounts of soap. And therapists.