god damnit

You know what is one of the most fucked up situations you can get yourself into?

You run into the toilet for an emergency deposit that's been waiting for a while. You get on the can and do the transaction and when you're done, the feeling of relief is palpable. So overwhelming that it's almost, but not quite, like an orgasm.

Then you reach over to the left for wipes and the god damned fucking thing is fucking out and you're sitting on the fucking can with your fucking ass covered in fucking shit water because of the splash-back and fuck me if no one is outside.

You say, "But Fishballs, you studly stud of studliness, why not go outside and get the wipes?"

Good lord, do you fucking know how it feels like to have shitty butt cheeks rub together? Take two slices of ham, slap some peanut butter on'em (chunky if you haven't been drinking water) and rub them together. That's how it feels. EXCEPT IT'S HAPPENING TO YOUR BUTTCHEEKS. And you can feel every damned squishy molecule rub together like it's a fucking party in your ass crack.

Thank the creator for shower heads, I tell you. And copious amounts of soap. And therapists.